I am an Obliger

Yes, I know this post is late.  Memorial Day threw me off.

Hello, my name is Lisa, and I am an Obliger

"An Obliger?" you might ask.  "What is that?"

According to Gretchen Rubin in Better Than Before, "Obligers meet outer expectations but struggle to meet inner expectations.... Because Obligers resist inner expectations, it's difficult for them to self-motivate--to work on a PhD thesis, to attend networking events, to get their car serviced.  Obligers depend on external accountability, with consequences such as deadlines, late fees, or the fear of letting other people down."

Rubin also identifies three other tendencies: the Upholder, the Questioner, and the Rebel; but as I read this part of the book, I was in shock.  "That's me!," I thought.  "OMG!  That is so me!"  I still can't believe that someone pegged me so perfectly.

So, what does this mean?  How does this affect my life?

Well, it means that I have  a difficult time meeting all the goals I set for myself.  I need accountability.  I am trying some different methods of holding myself accountable.  I am using trackers and offering myself rewards if I continuously meet my goals.  I am very purposefully setting aside time for each activity in my day.

If I continue with this long enough, this could become a habit, and I will no longer have to think about it.

But maybe that is wishful thinking.

After all, I am an Obliger.

Lockdown! This is Not a Drill!

Monday Musings is a weekly post where I write about whatever is 

currently on my mind.

On Friday morning the school where I teach went into lockdown.  It was easily the most terrifying day of my life.

At 9:40am, class had just begun.  My students were signing into their Chromebooks, and we were joking about what would happen next in our weekly video series, Mi vida loca.

And then it happened.

"This is not a drill.  Lockdown!  Lockdown!"

My mind immediately went blank.  The students were ready.  Our drills had worked.  They knew what to do.  But I had to stop and think.  "Lockdown.  That means the threat is inside the school.  We have to hide from the window in the door."

The lights were already off in the classroom since we were preparing to watch a video, and I always keep the door locked.  There were just a few more steps to complete.  I turned off the projector and my computer screen and directed the students to close their Chromebooks.  We all moved to one side of the classroom and squeezed in tight, hoping to keep ourselves hidden from the small rectangular window in the door.

As I huddled with my students against the wall, I glanced around the room and quickly realized two things: there is nothing even remotely weapon-like in my classroom, and all the water bottles and Chromebooks on the desks made it painfully obvious that people were hiding in that room.  

I was scared.  

My 21 students were scared; some of them were crying, all of them were on social media exchanging messages of love with each other and passing on the latest rumors about what was going on.

"Someone brought a gun to school"

They already knew more than me.  For the first and only time in my life I wished I was part of their group chat on Snapchat.  I felt so lost.  How was I supposed to protect them when I didn't even know what was happening outside our room?

The door shook.  We all stopped breathing for a minute.  Whoever it was moved on down the hallway.  "It was the police," one of my students reported.  He showed me a picture of all the police cars outside the high school.  Three different departments had come to help us.

We stood against that wall for almost two hours before the lockdown ended.  The police took three suspects into custody  No shots were fired.  No one was injured or killed.  In that sense, we were lucky.  

I held it together for the rest of my work day.  Then I went home, took a shower, and cried.  I am not generally an emotional person, but the stress of that day was too much.  I am still happy that there is nothing weapon-like in my classroom; I am happy that we all emerged from the experience unharmed; but I am sad that this now seems to be part of my job description.

My Inner Critic

Monday Musings is a weekly post where I write about whatever is 

currently on my mind.

A recent assignment for the Ninja Writing Challenge involved visualizing my inner critic and the place I would send her when writing my first draft.  I had never really thought much about my inner critic before, so this task was very interesting to me.

My first thought was that my inner critic definitely wears glasses.  I imagined that she probably looks just like me, but with big, thick-framed glasses.

Then a clearer picture started to form.  

I'm pretty sure that my inner critic is a version of my 8th grade English teacher, Mrs. Claus.  Yes, that was her real name, Mrs. Claus, no relation to Santa, although she did always wear red.  Red from head to toe.  

I think my inner critic is a lot like Mrs. Claus.  She wears glasses to prove that she is smarter than me.  She is short and sweet, like my writing should be.  She wears red, like the pen that she is marking my text with.  Her clothing is impeccable, like her editing skills.

But where can I send Mrs. Claus when she gets in the way of me finishing a first draft?  Well, I think I will send her to the North Pole.  Maybe she can reunite with Mr. Claus.  She can correct the elves' grammar and proofread the toys' instruction manuals until I actually need her.

Goodbye Mrs. Claus!  I will need your help soon, just not right now.  Oh, and thanks for publishing that poem I wrote as an 8th grader.  I didn't appreciate it then but you made me believe that I could be a writer someday.  Thank you for that.

What does your inner critic look like?

Confessions of a Nail Biter: Disaster has Struck

Monday Musings is a weekly post where I write about whatever is 

currently on my mind.

Disaster struck this week.  I destroyed all but two of my nails.  I can tell you how it all started but I cannot explain how it went so far.

Earlier this week, my nails began to break.  I had missed my weekly manicure because I was sick and working eight hours a day.  It's hard to paint your nails, even to apply nail strengthener, when you are completely exhausted.  My nails are so weak that without polish, they just break.

When the first nail broke, I reacted well and used  a nail file.  I was proud.  But then another nail broke.  The edges were uneven.  The nail was catching on things.  I started to bite.  Then the next nail broke, and I continued to bite.  Then I started some preemptive biting.  I'm pretty sure this nail is going to break soon; I better take care of that.  And now my hands are in a bad place.  Some of my nails, I could salvage.  Others are destroyed, red, painful, damaged.  I can't explain why I didn't stop myself.  I was aware of what I was doing.  I carry a nail file in my purse, everywhere I go.  And even after those nails were completely destroyed, I still kept biting.  I am not sure what happened.  I was obsessed.

This is so hard.  I am using this blog to keep myself accountable to my goal.  I will beat this habit.  

Monday Musings 4/9/18

Currently...


Writing... nothing
I have not written anything in months.  No editing either.  I keep thinking about getting started again.  Maybe a new notebook is needed..... hmmmm.

Reading... Magonia by Maria Dahvana Headley
It's such an interesting book.  I have had a hard time reading recently because I was so sick I could not pay attention to words on a page, but now that I am feeling better, I am getting back into the story.

Listening to... Lady Gaga
I love her newest album, Joanne.  It is the perfect album to sing along with, anytime of day.

Eating... Low-calorie food
My husband and I are trying to be more healthy and lose some of the weight we have recently gained.  At this point we count calories for about half of the week, easing into this new diet.

Drinking... so much sparkling water and tea
Since I got sick, I have been trying to hydrate as much as possible, and the tea helps my throat.  It doesn't hurt that they are two of my favorite beverages.

Wearing... my pink cat dress
Today was a beautiful spring day, and I decided to show my crazy cat lady a little.  I wish I had gotten a picture of myself in my cat dress with my cat mug.  Pitiful.

Feeling... frustrated
I have been trying to draw every day, but recently I find it hard to think of something to draw so I just stare at my sketchbook and pens and never draw anything.  Frustrating!

Weather... sunny
Today was a beautiful day, almost 70.  It made me dream of summer.  Unfortunately it will be raining again tomorrow.

Wanting... to complete Erin's Book Challenge
Less than a month to go and I have 2 and a half books to read.  I am hopeful.  I think I can do it.  If my fear of completing projects doesn't get in my way.

Thinking... I'm almost completely healthy again
I still have a cough, mostly when I talk a lot, but overall I feel so much better.  Yay!

Watching... American Gods
Loved the book!  And I am really enjoying the first season of the tv show.  I'm on the last disc and can't wait to see what cliffhanger the season ends with.

Enjoying... hidden object games
I'm obsessed recently.  I love hidden object games!  I could play for hours.

What are you up to?
Have you watched American Gods?  What is spring like where you live?
Do you have a reading challenge you enjoy?

I'm Sick and Other Random Thoughts

Monday Musings is a weekly post where I write about whatever is 

currently on my mind.

1.  I am sick.  I have been sick for over three weeks now.  And it just keeps going.

2.  Last week was spring break.  We went to Las Vegas for a few days.  We stayed at the Aria, which was beautiful and amazing.  We went to see the Cirque Du Soleil show, Love, based around Beatles songs.  It was awesome.

3.  I was sick while we were in Vegas for spring break.

4.  I didn't blog for a week because I was sick.

5.  Am I complaining and whining too much?  I feel like I might be complaining and whining.  I'm just so sick and tired of being sick.

6.  It's really hard to be back at work when you're still sick.

7.  Don't worry.  I will survive.  Hopefully, I will be healthy soon.

8.  Did I mention that I hate being sick :(

I am a Nail Biter

Monday Musings is a weekly post where I write about whatever is 

currently on my mind.

I am a nail biter.  I have been a nail biter for as long as I can remember.  Throughout my childhood, I had no nails to speak of.  My fingers were always in my mouth.  I was never proud of my hands or my nails.

As I have gotten older, I have become more successful at growing my nails.  I usually have a few months of healthy (as healthy as they can be after years of biting and picking) nails, then one will break.  I will start to pick and bite.  Picking and biting.  Picking and biting.  Until all my nails are gone.  Sometimes I can limit myself to one or two nails, usually a thumb and an index finger.

In the last ten years I have had two serious finger infections.  One tested positive for MRSA.  Both were scary experiences; I have an artificial hip and have to take all infections very seriously.  Each time, there was no wound.  The doctors determined that the cause of the infection was my nail-biting.  My most recent infection was only two months ago, mid-February, and I knew that it was time to take control of this problem.

My thumb on Day 1

Day 1:  As part of my Year of Yes!, I decided to say "Yes!" to my nails.  I gave myself a manicure and painted my nails a bright shade of pink.  This makes it a lot more obvious if my nail is headed towards my mouth.  My left thumb was my shortest, most ragged nail.

My thumb on Day 18

Day 18:  At the days passed by, I was making progress.  I had not bitten a nail, not even one.  I had picked at the skin around some nails, but things were definitely getting better.  I was maintaining my manicures and using all of my nail polishes.

My thumb on Day 30

Day 30:  My nails are growing.  My skin is healing.  This may be the best decision I have made this month.  My nails are still really weak and two of them broke this week.  I picked up my nail file instead of biting or picking.  I have successfully gone a whole month without destroying a nail!  I am using that finger infection and my hip health as motivation to keep going all year.

Wish me luck!

Have you ever tried to quit a bad habit?